This business proposal is prepared for the Department of Homeland Security by Harvey Love of Harvey Love and Co.
The United States is in desperate need of superior border protection, especially considering certain events the DHS is certainly aware of. Discretion, blind tenacity, and mad karate skills are all qualities Harvey Love and Co. has utilized to find a solution to these border security issues.
Harvey Love and Co. employs only the best and brightest young minds in science to weaponize everyone’s favorite household dish; lasagna. If you don’t agree, you can get the fuck out of these United States. We didn’t join this man’s army to protect pasta heretics.
America is the greatest nation ever, bar none. Everyone knows this. The biggest issue the American people face is all the other people breathing air and taking up space, geeze, how rude. There is plenty of room for improving border security by simply taking back the rest of the world, therefore hitherto making it all America again. Boy, it’ll be free mayo and wonder bread sandwiches in every pot. The simplest way to expand the borders and create this heaven on earth is to deliver weaponized lasagnas to every family in all the lesser continents. Would this scientific wonder eliminate a majority of the earth’s population in one horrific blow? Absolutely. Honestly, there just isn’t enough whipped sandwich dressing to go around, sorry.
The feasibility of this project has been called into question by those with very small closed minds, however, let us assure you that lots of really good research and stuff has been done already. Don’t worry about it, okay? The benefits of the weaponized lasagna plan involve job creation exploding across the board in lasagna factories everywhere, only inside the glorious borders we call home. Also, Americans will be able to increase national pride by thirty percent guaranteed. Harvey Love and Co. will be conducting training seminars across the Midwest, Southwest, and Westwest to ensure all fears are quelled.
Steps for completion of project Weaponized Lasagna are as follows:
- Firstly, make a shit ton of lasagna.
- Secondly, weaponize those lasagnas.
- Thirdly, drop care packages across the rest of the world that include the weaponized lasagnas.
- Fourthly, probably eat the leftover lasagnas.
After reading this stellar ,scintillating, scientific proposal for a union between Harvey Love of Harvey Love and Co. and the Department of Homeland Security, we’re sure we have taken your breath away. We can’t fail. We have everything good on our side; pasta, Americans, probably God. Thank you for your time and we look forward to starting a better future with you.